From The Nosebleed Section: The Basketball Pimp

Buying season tickets is sorta like buying a condo.  You pick the seats you want but you have no idea what your neighbors will be like until after you move in and realize they suck.  By then, it’s too late to do anything about it except give them dirty looks and wish bad stuff on them.  Like that your foot will accidentally be in the isle and they’ll trip and fall down the very steep stairs on the way to their regular 3rd quarter bathroom break (hypothetical). 

This will be the 6th year that we’ve purchased season tickets to the Chicago Bulls.  We sit in the 300 level, the nosebleed section.  Seriously, there is only one row higher than our row.  We’ve had the same seats for the past 4 years and besides one guy who I frequently want to stab, our neighbors are tolerable.  Remind me to tell you about our first-season seats and the event(s) that nearly landed me in jail.

I love people-watching as much as I do basketball.  There are Bulls basketball home games a couple of times per week from October through April (and later if we make it to the playoffs) and that’s enough to satiate my people-watching appetite.  At the games, one of the people I’m the most fascinated by is the dude I call Basketball Pimp.  Basketball pimp is a handsome-ish young (I’d say he’s about 28) well dressed guy who shows up about half-way through the first quarter of every game with a different pretty girl.  He brings young chicks, older chicks, black chicks, white chicks – he’s been doing the same thing for years.  I always imagine that every girl feels flattered that he’s willing to share his season tickets (we season ticket-holders feel we’re one-up on the rest of you) with her and that she’s the most important girl in his life.  They all have that look.  That hey-look-how-hot-I-look-even-though-it’s-just-a-basketball-game look.  He walks in barely looking at them and they follow along behind him like little chicks do big chicks.  His seats are in the center of the row below us and he always takes the shortcut to get to them, which requires taking a huge step up from the platform onto his row.  Since his girls are usually wearing shoes/boots with real high heels, they always need help with that big step but Basketball Pimp never does it – it’s always the uber-friendly older guy who has the season tickets right there at basketball pimp’s cut-through.  Having to help these strange girls every game would annoy me but I think it makes this guy feel like a hero and probably give him future masturbation material.  Basketball Pimp never seems to be very nice to the girls so I’m always wondering why so many of them want to hang out with him.  I’m pretty sure it’s not the “love of the game”.  Please understand, these are not basketball fan girls.  They don’t clap or gasp at bad calls like the rest of us.  They just sit there looking pretty and trying to squeeze out any conversation they can from him.  Sometimes when I’m supposed to be paying attention to the game, I’m watching them, psychoanalyzing them (mostly him), deliberating about what (if anything) they did before the game and what they’ll do after.

Dinner, then basketball game, then nightclub where he’ll buy them too many drinks, then have his way with them later back at his place.  After he’s done with her, she’ll want to cuddle but he’ll find some reason that she needs to leave.  He’ll take her home then head back to his place for a sandwich and never give it (her) another thought until he runs into her again. 

The butterflies will keep her awake that night.  She’ll tell all her friends about him and he’ll consume her thoughts for days.  First hoping, waiting for his call, then realizing he’ll never call, then the grieving process that girls go through when they realize they’ve given what ought to be their most treasured possession to some random dude who took her to a shitty basketball game.

Well this season, just for fun, I’m gonna keep up with how many different girls he brings to the games.  Occasionally he does bring the same girl back for more than one during the season – I’m gonna keep up with that, too.  And if you’re interested, I’ll be sure to share that with you here.

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